To the ones who dream (My story)

The moon is radiating outside my window as I write this. The window forms one whole wall of the four walls of my little room on campus. The campus is where I am pursuing my second Masters. The city where this campus is located in, is called Rotterdam. It is approximately 6372 km away from my home- Delhi. This home is where I lived for 24 long years. I turned 28, 8 days back. Don’t think too much on why the numbers don’t add up, because I spent the initial 4 years of my life in Iran where I was born to an Indian doctor couple :-)  I was not alone, I have an elder sister for company since 1989. She means the world to me.

Coming back to my window (after a long detour) , yes, context setting takes time, so be a little more patient ;)

I am writing almost after a year. When I say writing I mean ‘my kind of writing’, the one that sets me free. The one that used to be my meditation and my gateway of expressing myself few years ago but then I stopped. Why? Because life happened, basically ‘grown up’ life happened. I started working in October 2012, and thoroughly enjoyed it. It was almost like a dream job, with the kind of work I liked, around people I liked and I got to travel more often than not :-) Well, good things do come to an end, let me re-word, not exactly end but there are speed breakers always in our journeys.

Cut to January 2014, the new year was not that pleasant, as I lost a dear friend to cancer after her 3 year long battle. It was the first loss loss for me. I had never faced death of a loved one so closely. I found myself in an unknown territory, the eternal cheerful me felt trapped where I could not understand the opposite emotions rushing inside me. Thanks to a good support system provided by family and friends, I got better. That was my first story of loss in life!

The rest of the year went by with many happy moments to cherish. Good work, more travel, love from friends and happy memories. Then came December. December 7, a Sunday to be precise. Like any other Sunday my dad was marinating the chicken, preparing lovingly almost like a ritual our Sunday brunch. He received a call and he immediately had to step out to attend to the patient in a nearby nursing home. I woke up late as usual, and strolled around the house to find him gone. After a while of my lazing around, I received a call from my sister asking me to rush to the nursing home as my dad had fainted. He suffered from high BP and was a heart patient. I initially thought it was a similar attack, similar to April 2012 when he had to undergo a heart surgery. As I ran towards the nursing home which was walking distance from home, I saw the ambulance and reached it in time to go to the nearest hospital.

What followed was a month and a half of what I will never forget. The longest yet the shortest month of my life. It was not a heart attack but a stroke, a case of brain haemorrhage which can happen anytime really, high BP patients are vulnerable to it. He was in coma for that much time and we lost him on January 19, 2015. I am not writing the details of that month, that’s not the point of this blog post. I am still getting to the point of this post….

So after this happened, no point in stating the obvious, but this was the second BIG dent in my life’s diary called loss. Losing a parent is indescribable. I turned 26 without my dad on April first of that year. It was a strange birthday minus my dad’s excitement and enthusiasm on that day. I guess 2015 really pushed me into growing up, which is not that bad since I found my innocence still intact, life had still not made me cynical. But I sensed something seriously changed. I went through periods of highs and lows, like a pendulum I found myself oscillating between happy and sad moments with such intensity that I was actually afraid of happiness. I say this because I was afraid what would follow, without an exception every moment of happiness was followed with a sudden moment of sadness, darkness and maybe even depression. I still continued and in between these moments received a great deal of kindness, love and support from both friends and colleagues. I did laugh, celebrate and had fair share of joyous moments up until the end of the year. Towards October 2015, I felt terribly stuck in my life, at work and felt a lot of unrest. I call it the rebellious period. But you know how I was different from the typical rebel, I dreamed! Yes to run away from my troubles and stagnancy, I dreamed. I dreamed of going to the Amazon Forest in the summer of 2016 and I applied to a summer school. I dreamed of going away from my beloved home town and family for a BREAK year and I applied for a Masters. The chances of me actually living all this seemed very dim till January 2016.  But soon after, my ‘healing year’ 2016 began.

Coming more clearly towards the point of this post, thanks for staying on board till now :-)

I did not stop dreaming even in the darkest most dim and ‘cant see no light’ periods. I did go to the Amazon in June of 2016 and it was no ordinary journey. I met the most beautiful people in the most beautiful land, 14,658 km away from home. I experienced almost unreal moments and in-explainable strength with 16 beautiful souls. They triggered a sort of healing inside me, again cannot be explained in words. And so it began, my healing. I think it still continues but is getting stronger.

No this blog post is not about my experience there, though that will make a brilliant post! Before going to the summer school I received a rejection mail from the scholarship programme I had applied to, for my Masters. So when I set out for a month long journey to Brazil, I had nothing in my hand. I was not ready to continue with my job, I had no plan B, and no possibility of taking up the Masters without any scholarship. When I was 21 days into my program in the Amazon, I received a news from my sister. Don’t hold your breath, it was not a bad news! this time :-) it was a good one, it seemed that I was accepted into the same scholarship program which had previously declined me a spot. I learnt that apparently I was waitlisted and someone somewhere said No and I got the scholarship place :-) God bless that person…Someone’s loss was my gain. And this became my first ‘gain’ story after a long time. I came back home happily after the program ended and started preparing for my adventure year ahead :-)

That’s how I landed up in this small little cozy room on campus (part of my scholarship arrangement) and as I see the third season approaching from my beloved window, I cant help but feel thankful and grateful. Dreams do come true. I have seen the leaves fall, the wind grow stronger, the snow fall from this window. But I also saw the leaves come back again, birds back on the branches, chirping happily and waking me up in the morning. Pretty much like my past few years. From the despair of October 2015 to the hope of October 2016, life did change. So be careful of what you ask for, someone is hearing very carefully and might just grant them. All you need to do is believe. This is the beginning of my 7^th month in this lovely city and the past 6 months were so beautiful, crazy, adventurous, memorable and blessed (calls for another blog post) that I have to pinch myself to believe it. As the moon continues to radiate outside my window, I close my eyes and all that I wrote flashes by my mind in fraction of seconds (but takes pages to write). I wanted to share these flashes and so I wrote  :-)

I am no longer afraid of happy moments and the fear of what will happen next. Materialistic possessions do not hold the same value as before, on my birthday last week, I lost a piece of jewellery. I was sad initially but I said to myself  "This is nothing compared to the loss that I have suffered before and I immediately felt better."

If you feel lonely, depressed, sad and TIRED of life, remember my little story and I hope it makes you a little positive and you don't feel alone. Take a moment, breathe and smile :-) Everything will be alright, do not ever give up, I repeat, Do not ever give up dreaming. Please do live each moment to the fullest and hug your loved ones tight and say you love them more often than not :-)

-- Words from a hopefully wiser 28 year old

When you lose someone dear, you go through trauma, a deep dent. and the time oscillates like a pendulum between happy and sad moments. Remember that its ok and this too will pass. Keep your friends closer in the recovery process.

Have you met yourself?

How often do you meet yourself? Yes, you meeting you! Does that sound absurd? Well, maybe but think again, how often do we meet our true inner self? That inner voice, gut feeling, basic instinct, the thoughts and dreams that are buried somewhere within us.

Often people say, meditation helps in clearing out the clutter and reaching out to our inner self. I say, meditation can be of various forms. To begin with, me writing this piece is kind of a meditation too. Off late I have been reading some inspirational books, the most recent being Robin Sharma’s- Mastery manual. I would say reading this book was like meditation for me. I say this because, the book makes you go through some introspection, incremental activities to self-discovery. More than self-discovery, it is about connecting with yourself, spending time with yourself. This I feel is the key missing factor in our lives today! In this fast paced world, we rarely sit back, retrospect or introspect or spend moments in silence. I have picked up some action points from Robin’s book and some of my personal insights. As I explore and experiment in meeting my inner self, I will keep on sharing these insights. I assure you am testing these first before posting :-) 

1. Journaling

Remember, ‘Dear Diary’? Some of you may remember this from your school days, well the adult version is called ‘Journaling’ :)  A little black notebook or diary that you commit to maintain where you note down your thoughts at the beginning or end of day.

Why is this required? Well, often we hear ourselves or our folks saying- "Don’t have the time", "Just didn’t get the time". I am one of them! A journal essentially addresses this daily excuse of ours….

At the beginning of the day, if you devote peaceful 5minutes in listing down the key short tasks for the day it really helps in planning one’s day. Try it!  Remember, not an overwhelming, exhaustive list that scares you instead of bringing piece ;) , instead limit yourself to key small goals for the day. By the end of the day, fulfilling most of these goals and atleast attempting the rest, is a big accomplishment!

The second reason or objective of journaling is to capture your eureka moments! No, these are not groundbreaking earth shattering ideas, but they are ‘Your’ ideas and thoughts which makes it all the more special. These can come at anytime, its best to note them down the very moment it comes knocking your way….

The more you write, the more you de-clutter and vent, it has an extremely positive effect and also kills lethargy. It gives a sense of alertness and calms you down during the many stressful moments in your day.

2. Live in the moment

With the advent of smart phones and a hyper connected world, buzzing with notifications of all kinds from all kinds of media, this is a tough proposition! Imagine, the times we live in, am actually recommending you and motivating you for something so obvious but long forgotten!

* Have meals at the dining table, not in front of the TV

* Do not check messages during your family time. Also, when on an outing with friends, refrain from checking your smartphones. Its like a disease that we have, a creepy reflex action, we are more alert to our smartphone beeps than we are to the emotions of the person we are hanging out with!

Whatever you are doing- whether you are working, in a meeting, on a date, just be in that moment :-)

Respect the time of others, value the presence of your near and dear ones. Taking loved ones for granted is natural, we all do it unconsciously, but from now on try avoiding it consciously. Embrace the little joys and moments of life and count your blessings when you feel low.

Small steps, less sermonisation, more self-realisation will be my mantra for my upcoming blog posts....